Becoming Unwell changed Everything

Not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and in all the ways that don’t get seen or easily explained. Life started to look different. There were limits I never agreed to, never expected, and definitely never wanted. Suddenly the simplest things a day out, a conversation, a moment of excitement could trigger a flare and leave me recovering for days.

And the hardest part wasn’t just the pain.

It was watching life happen around me while I sat on the sidelines. Seeing people live, experience, laugh, travel, make memories… and knowing I wanted all of that too, but my body and mind simply couldn’t keep up. There were so many moments I wanted to enjoy fully, but I couldn’t. So many experiences I had to decline. So many times I showed up physically while my entire nervous system was just trying to survive.

As the years passed, I realised how much I had missed not out of choice, but out of necessity.

Life threw situations at me that forced me into survival mode. When you’re busy just trying to get through the day, dreaming becomes a luxury.

So I made myself a promise.

If the day ever came when I felt even a little strong again, I would start saying yes to the things I once had to say no to. I would create a list of everything I wanted to do or try no matter how big, how small, how wild, or how simple and I would honour that past version of me who didn’t get the chance.

I remember saying years ago,

“If Metallica ever come back to New Zealand, I’m going.”

It was one of those dreams that felt huge back then almost unrealistic for the version of me who was unwell and exhausted and just trying to keep going.

But this time… I kept my promise.

Metallica returned and I went.

And not only did I go, I got to share it with my son. A memory we will both carry for the rest of our lives. The energy, the atmosphere, the pure experience of it… and then Evanescence on top of it all was just the absolute icing on the cake. It was everything I imagined and more

And here’s what really hit me:

It wasn’t just a concert.

It was a moment that reminded me I am still here. That life can still give me experiences worth holding onto. That healing may be slow and imperfect, but it also makes room for joy I once thought I’d lost forever.

This wasn’t just ticking something off a list.

It was reclaiming a part of myself I thought illness had taken from me the part that gets to live, not just survive.

And I think that’s the real win.

I don’t know what the future holds or how my health will look tomorrow, next month, or next year. But I do know this I’m done waiting for a “perfect time” to live. Even if it’s slow, even if it takes recovery days afterward, even if it looks different than it used to… I’m choosing to live where I can. Because I deserve memories too.