April Refection

The Reality of Healing & My Intentions for May

Brand new month.
Same body.
Different mindset.

April didn’t come in gently.
It didn’t ease me into growth or wrap lessons in something soft.

It forced me to face things I would’ve rather avoided.
My body. My triggers. My past. My reality.

And if I’m being honest
it wasn’t pretty.

This Was Never About Fitness

I started pole fitness in April.

Not to look good.
Not to lose weight.
Not for anyone else.

But because I needed to reconnect with my body.

A body I’ve spent years feeling disconnected from.
A body that hasn’t always felt safe to be in.
A body that has carried bullying, conditioning, and trauma.
A body that sometimes feels like it’s working against me.

This isn’t a glow-up.

It’s a rebuild.

The Life In Between the Healing

Among all the heavy moments there was also life.

School holidays meant nanny duties.
Baking. Beach picnics. Zoo trips.
Slowing down in ways I didn’t expect.

And having my youngest daughter with me for that week?

That mattered more than I can explain.
It softened something in me that’s been hardened for a long time.

It reminded me that even in the middle of healing
there are still moments that feel like peace.

The Part People Don’t See

Because let’s not sugarcoat this.

Behind the moments that look “put together”
I’m still dealing with the aftermath of everything I’ve been through.

After four long years, I finally have support in place.
A wellbeing plan.
The right people around me.

And while those matters
it doesn’t fix everything overnight.

Healing isn’t instant.
It’s not aesthetic.
It’s not “positive vibes only.”

It’s showing up when your nervous system is overwhelmed.
When your body is exhausted.
When your mind is loud and relentless.

It’s doing the work anyway.

Facing What Broke Me

April also put me in one of the hardest positions I’ve been in

I had to sit in a room
with the person who broke me.

And I stayed.

Not because it was easy.
Not because I’m “over it.”

But because I’m learning how to exist
without running from my own history.

And still
people have opinions.

“You should be over it.”
“You’re not a victim.”

But here’s the truth people don’t like to hear:

You don’t get to decide someone else’s healing timeline
from something you didn’t experience.

I live with the effects of what I’ve been through.
Every single day.

Trauma doesn’t just disappear.
It rewires you.
It lives in your body.
It shows up when you least expect it.

What changes is this—

You learn how to carry it differently.

What April Taught Me

April didn’t break me.
But it did strip things back.

It taught me that healing is slow and still valid.
That my body isn’t the enemy even when it feels like it is.
That support doesn’t erase pain, but it gives me somewhere to land.
That triggers don’t mean I’m failing they mean I’m processing.
That I can sit in hard spaces and not fall apart.
That I’m allowed to take up space in my own recovery.

And maybe the hardest lesson

Even when it feels like I’m going backwards…
I’m still moving.

My Intentions for May

I’m not chasing a new version of myself this month.

I’m committing to the one I’m rebuilding.

I’m choosing consistency over intensity
because burnout isn’t healing.

I’m choosing to work with my body, not against it.

I’m choosing to keep showing up
to therapy, to movement, to regulation
even when I don’t feel like it.

I’m choosing boundaries that protect me,
not ones I feel the need to explain.

I’m choosing to stop shrinking
to make other people comfortable with my growth.

I’m choosing to honour my triggers,
not shame myself for them.

I’m choosing rest without guilt.

I’m choosing to trust a process
that doesn’t always feel rewarding in the moment.

And most importantly

I’m choosing myself.

Not the version that just survives.
But the version that’s learning how to live.