Facing My Deepest Wounds

Why i decided to face my deepest wounds? To dive into the darkness of their past? Lstory.

For years, I was just... existing. Not really living. My trauma had rewired my nervous system in ways I couldn't even understand. It was my brain has this permanent glitch, jumping at shadows, always waiting re looping things. The smallest things would send me into fight-or-flight mode. A door slamming, an unexpected touch, even a slightly raised voice.

I found myself stuck in this cycle of toxic relationships, repeating the same destructive patterns over and over again. It was like watching a movie where I knew the ending, but I couldn't stop playing my part. I was dissociating through life – present in body but my mind was always somewhere else, somewhere safer.

But then... then my grandson arrived Looking into his innocent eyes, something inside me broke and changed within me. I saw the potential for either continuing this cycle of pain or breaking it right then and there. The generational curse of trauma, anxiety, and broken relationships – it had to stop with me.

Trauma isn't just a personal burden; it's like a dark inheritance we unconsciously pass down to our children, and their children. The way we react, the fears we carry, the coping mechanisms we develop – they all become silent lessons for the next generation.

I realized I had two choices: continue living as a ghost of myself, trapped in these patterns that kept me safe but never happy, or take the terrifying step toward healing. Healing isn't the soft, gentle process that quotes make it out to be. It's messy, it's painful, and some days it feels impossible.

But every time I doubt my decision to heal, I think about my grandson because I couldn't do with my own kids, I think about the light in his eyes and how I want him to grow up seeing his nanny actually alive, not just surviving. I want him to inherit resilience, not trauma; love, not fear.

Choosing to heal was the hardest decision I've ever made. But it was also the most important one. Because sometimes, the bravest thing we can do isn't just surviving our trauma – it's choosing to heal from it, not just for ourselves, but for all those who come after us.

This journey isn't about erasing the past; it's about creating a future where trauma doesn't get to have the last word. Where my grandson can grow up with genuine love, not the shadow of unresolved pain. And that makes every difficult step worth it.