Blog Series - Learning to Live in My Body Again

What Trauma Left Behind

For a long time, I thought trauma was something that lived in my memories.

Something that happened back then.

I didn't fully understand that sometimes trauma doesn't just stay in your mind. It can show up in your body, your nervous system, your emotions, your ability to feel safe, and in ways you never expected.

For me, the effects have been far more complicated than simply remembering what happened.

I live with fibromyalgia, PPPD, and at one stage I experienced FND symptoms. There was a point where my nervous system felt like it was constantly red-lining like it didn't know how to switch off from survival mode.

And then there was the mental health side.

Dissociation.

Complex PTSD.

Depression.

The things people don't always see.

The things I don't always talk about.

I don't say that trauma definitely caused every diagnosis because bodies and conditions are complicated. But I know my history of trauma and prolonged stress has played a significant part in how I experience my body and nervous system.

For years, my body was trying to survive.

And eventually, I had to learn that surviving and living are not the same thing.

When your nervous system has spent so long on high alert, calm can actually feel unfamiliar. Your body can react before your brain has even caught up. A noise, a situation, a thought, a memory or sometimes absolutely nothing obvious can send you into overwhelm.

That's where learning about my nervous system changed things for me.

• I'm learning to recognise the signs.

• I'm learning what overwhelm looks like before I completely crash.

• I'm learning that pushing through isn't always strength.

• I'm learning that rest isn't laziness.

• I'm learning that slowing down isn't giving up.

• I'm learning that my body isn't my enemy.

It has been trying to protect me.

There are still days when dissociation shows up.

Days when the pain is loud.

Days when dizziness, fatigue or neurological symptoms make life harder.

Days when my mental health takes a hit and I have to pull everything back and focus on getting through the moment.

And there are days when I feel strong, connected, creative, present and genuinely proud of how far I've come.

Both can exist.

Healing hasn't meant these things disappeared.

For me, healing has meant learning how to manage them.

• Learning my triggers.

• Learning my limits.

• Learning regulation.

• Learning to listen to my body instead of constantly fighting against it.

• Learning that I don't have to be ashamed of the things my body does because of what I've survived.

I am still learning.

I am still unlearning.

I am still rebuilding trust with myself.

And maybe that's one of the biggest lessons trauma has taught me:

My body isn't broken because it responded to what I survived.

It adapted.

It protected me.

It got me here.

Now I'm learning how to help it understand that it doesn't have to live in survival mode forever.

I don't have a neat little ending where everything is fixed.

This is my reality.

These are the things I live with, the things I have learned to manage, and the things I'm still learning to manage.

And I refuse to let a diagnosis, a trauma history, chronic pain, neurological symptoms or my mental health become the whole story of who I am.

They are parts of my story.

They are not the entirety of me.

I'm still here.

Still learning.

Still healing.

Still becoming.

And after everything I've survived, that matters.