For a long time, I never questioned people's intentions. I didn't question where I stood with them. I overlooked shitty behaviour, made excuses for people, gave chances, reached out first, and often walked away questioning myself, wondering if I was the problem.
I spent so much time looking at what I needed to change about myself that I didn't always stop to question whether the way people were treating me was actually okay.
But lately, things have changed.
I'm standing firm in what I expect from people. I'm learning to speak up about behaviours that don't sit right with me. I'm no longer willing to accept things just to keep the peace or hold on to connections that leave me questioning my worth.
And honestly? The last few weeks have brought up some uncomfortable shit.
I've found myself feeling conflicted. Am I in the wrong? Am I expecting too much? Am I being too harsh? Am I reading things wrong? Am I becoming someone who is too guarded?
Because when you've spent years accepting things you shouldn't have, standing up for yourself can feel bloody uncomfortable.
So, this week, I took those feelings into therapy.
I went through the messages. I looked at the situations that had been playing on my mind. I questioned my reactions, my expectations, and the way I was handling things.
And do you know what I discovered?
I'm not asking for too much by expecting mutual effort, communication, consistency, respect and accountability.
I'm not wrong for noticing changes in behaviour.
I'm not wrong for addressing things that don't sit right with me.
And I'm not wrong for stepping back instead of continuing to chase, explain myself, or carry connections on my own.
What feels uncomfortable isn't necessarily unhealthy. Sometimes it's simply unfamiliar.
I'm learning that I can acknowledge my own triggers and still recognise when someone else's behaviour isn't okay. Both things can be true. Healing doesn't mean I never question myself; it means I'm learning to question myself without automatically assuming I'm the problem.
And perhaps the biggest realisation of all?
Some people have simply had too much access to me.
Too much access to my time, my energy, my understanding, my patience and my willingness to keep showing up, even when the effort wasn't being reciprocated.
That access is changing.
Not out of spite. Not to punish anyone. Not because I think I'm better than anyone else.
But because I'm finally learning that protecting my peace sometimes means changing who gets access to it.
I'm not shutting everyone out. I'm becoming more selective about who I let in.
I'm observing rather than chasing. Addressing rather than swallowing my feelings. Stepping back rather than repeatedly trying to make things work on my own.
And yes, I'm still learning. I'm still human. I'll still get things wrong sometimes, and I'll always take responsibility for my part.
But I'm no longer going to make myself the villain every time I decide I deserve better.
Sometimes the conflict isn't about whether you're doing the wrong thing. Sometimes it's about learning to do the right thing for yourself when the old version of you would have tolerated so much more.
And I'm okay with that.
Even when it's uncomfortable. Even when it means reassessing connections. Even when it means accepting that not everyone deserves the same level of access to the person I'm becoming.
I'm choosing self-respect over self-abandonment.
And for once, I'm not apologising for that.
Have you ever reached a point in your healing where doing what's healthy for you felt wrong simply because you'd spent so long doing what kept everyone else comfortable?