Holiday Reflection

The holiday comes to an end and today has been heavy in a way that sits deep not loud, not dramatic, just weighty. The kind of heavy you feel in your chest before you can name why.

Going home feels different this time. The places are familiar, but the energy has shifted. After everything that’s happened the devastation, the slip at the mount, the not-knowing, the waiting, the grief home doesn’t feel the same. And maybe neither do I.

Today last year I was saying goodbye to my brother. A sentence I still can’t quite believe belongs to my life. Filing a missing person report is something you never imagine doing for someone you love, and yet here I am, carrying that memory in my body like it happened yesterday. Some anniversaries don’t pass they settle.

My body feels everything right now. Every kilometre travelled. Every place explored. Every late night and early morning. Happiness and exhaustion tangled together. The kind of tired that comes from living fully, not just resting poorly.

There was magic too. Real magic. Seeing Ed Sheeran live finally ticked off. Singing, feeling, being part of something bigger than myself. Proof that even in the middle of grief, life still hands you moments you never want to forget.

A little feral.
A little unhinged.
A little Ouchy.
Emotionally tender.
Physically wrecked.
Spiritually cracked open.

And then there were the signs or maybe just reminders. Strange cloud formations. A rainbow appearing quietly. A sunset softened by rain. Light and water and colour all sharing the same sky. Nothing separate. Nothing competing. Just existing together.

That’s what this season feels like.
Not one emotion, but many.
Not closure, but continuation.
Not healing or hurting, healing and hurting.

This is the mix.
Grief and gratitude.
Magic and mourning.
Adventure and ache.
Love and loss breathing side by side.

And maybe that’s enough for now
to let it all exist